A few months ago, I let go of my ego. It was a hard, arduous process. The pain inflicted in the separation was an emotional strife I was not sure I could bear. For many, many years, I leaned on that ego as a source of strength and identity. Common jokes made at my expense related my shoe collection size to my ego; both measuring in significant bounty.
In relying on my ego to carry me through hard times was to my own detriment. I had not learned how to nurture the faith that I once had in myself. My education and the need to pay back student loans propelled me into the professional world where as a young woman, I was subjected to a male-dominated environment. To hold my own and to grow, I falsified a sense of confidence that was not really cemented in anything tangible. That confidence grew as I navigated among many of life's milestones with ease. When I barked, people moved. When I beckoned, people came. Rarely did I hear the word no. This is not to say I was some woman to be reckoned with...I strove to meet my end of the bargains laid before me and do so with gusto (yes, I just used the word gusto. Ain't it a grand word when used correctly?).
Then it began: slowly but surely, my once perfect world began to crumble beneath my feet. Materialism and ego had ruled my world; and, I felt like a lead character in an Oscar-nominated drama...and a country song, all at once. I had not cried in years (save weddings and when watching Steel Magnolias). And like a monsoon above a parched earth, tears began to pour. The cathartic release I witnessed bore my soul into a new realm of feelings, release, and self awareness that I had not been conscious of. My ego had blocked it all these years.
The next step in this journey was to fill the void left behind by my now-dismissed ego. Leaving it open like a war wound would have made me susceptible to additional negativity. For self preservation, it was imperative that I restore faith in myself, love my self, and - for me personally- renew my connection to nature, which has always been a source of meditation and constant companion in my life and lifestyle.
In embracing this faith, I recognize what is and is not important anymore. My stress level decreased significantly because I had a better big picture view of life's little miracles. Without ego to blind me, my ears witnessed "the small stuff" and I stopped to actually "smell the roses." The rush was gone; the urgent necessity surrounding each daily task was gone; the fear of perception faded; the sense of duty and obligation (within reason) no longer vexed me. I let go, and in turn, embraced myself for who I am, truly.
The journey continues, and each day I dig up an old piece of me: the four year old kid in my heart, the amazed college student in the middle of Africa, the joyous friend at the side of my beloved inner circle. With each step and renewed identity that truly represents my heart and soul, I rebuild that faith in myself.
- Christina
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