My whole life changed when I had children. I was so excited to resign from my job and became a mom. I threw my whole self into the most important task of my life and never looked back. Two rambunctious little boys and endless days of their crazy antics would bring me nothing but laughter and happiness. That was the pretty picture I had imagined.
I wanted it to be that way, but it wasn’t that simple. Before kids I could mingle at dinner parties and discuss politics, current events, and spew impressive scientific facts about the research I was working on. You know, the larval tolerance studies I conducted at the University of Maryland’s Center of Marine Biotechnology looking for biological barriers to the spread of non-native species. It was important and interesting work. People looked to me as an expert in the field. It felt good.
Fast-forward six months. I am now “just” a mom at the same dinner parties. The mingling begins. Guess what, I am no longer interesting or important. I learned the fastest way to end a conversation was to begin with “I’m a stay-at-home-mom.” I could see their eyes rolling into the back of their heads as they tried to discreetly cover a yawn. Being a mother consumed me and I suddenly couldn’t talk about anything else. I couldn’t relate to the outside world. I knew mothering was important work. The future of two little lives rested in my hands, but I felt deflated. I wanted to be interesting and respected.
I felt selfish for wanting a more glamorous job. Why couldn’t I be happy being “just” a mom? I knew I was blessed to be able to stay home with my kids. I knew there were a million women who would give anything to be in my position. I felt guilty because I was living that dream, and I was miserable.
None of my closest friends had children or had given up their job. They listened, were supportive, and tried to understand, but couldn’t truly relate to my situation. I needed more. Luckily I am pretty out going. I chatted up other parents at the park, joined the CG Spouses Association, and attended my first local Mom’s Club meeting. I was suddenly surrounded by an amazingly supportive group of people with similar interests...their kids!
I learned that lurking inside many mothers is a voice that constantly reminds them of their illustrious pre-children careers, that they also feel like they will explode if they hear “Mommy I want…” one more time, and that they also need to be reassured and validated by others that this job, they so lovingly took on, truly is important and worthy of the highest respect.
I can, once again, mingle at dinner parties and be up on important current events like who made poopy on the potty for the first time and can use my scientific facts to discuss, in depth, the consistency of said poopy. I am surrounded by positive empowering people that don’t judge me if I have a selfish bad mommy day, and respect me even if there are boogers smeared across my shirt.
A knowing smile or a sympathetic look from another parent when you child is melting down in the grocery store can help you muster that extra bit of patience needed to make it through the check out line. An unsolicited compliment about your child’s behavior in a restaurant can make your heart soar. I have learned we are all in this together. I don’t need to do it all by myself…nobody does. It takes a village.
-Jenn
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